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What The Post Partum Hormone Cocktail Taught Me About Anxiety
Carrying the weight of the world in a diaper bag
The first time I googled “post partum anxiety,” the results condescendingly corrected me, “Oh you meant post partum depression!” No, Google, but thanks for implying I imagined a rare condition. Years later more resources have surfaced, but that chapter wasn’t ready when I first needed to read it.
My mind had been racing in an effort to manage non-stop crises, trying to keep up. Because if you stop running on a treadmill while the pace is still set on high, won’t you end up catastrophically tumbling off?
During both of my children’s deliveries, I despised the command to hold my breath for 10 second intervals of pushing. I could barely hold my breath past 4 seconds, a shocking failure for someone who had lung capacity to run for miles. The nurse barked, “keep holding it!” I wanted to hyperventilate.
I had taken every birth class and even had medical experience. But no training could prepare me for motherhood. My firstborn child unexpectedly went to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). He was not premature and had no major conditions to forewarn us. Yet only 60 seconds into his life, I knew he would be taken from me within the hour. His every symptom proved that he would not overcome the flood of his lungs.
